𝚊 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚎𝚡𝚝𝚛𝚊 𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚛
Today we received Eleanor’s karotype test results that validates she indeed has and extra Trisomy 21 chromosome, which is the indicator for Downs Syndrome.
We had an elevated possibility on a Mat21 test at about 28 weeks. At the time she was IUGR, interuterine growth restricted, at about the 6th percentile.
She had a two vessel cord and no other presenting markers for DS or any abnormality. Amnio testing was not recommended because it could cause premature labor, complicating matters on an already tiny baby.
There was nothing to do but - wait.
At the time I received this information my brain began to unravel. I’ve never had a single thing abnormal with anything to do with my health.
No broken bone to reference. 100% healthy babies, no experience of anything otherwise.
Along with this news came a discussion of demise rates...count the kicks..watch for movements...1 in 3 don’t make it...there’s no way we can predict it.
I had weekly scans and biophysical tests.
Extra ultrasounds, non stress tests and an echocardiogram.
Every appointment was terrifying, waiting for results and findings.
Over time and the weeks of waiting
I became a walking panic attack.
I functioned in pockets.
I folded in tears and a heaving chest randomly.
I researched, scrutinized information for hours every night.
I hid the bathtub from the world.
I didn’t go places other than the Dr. and church.
I looked for every reason of margin to believe that she could thrive.
I didn’t sleep through a single night for almost two months.
I held on to every positive report.
I didn’t take a step from my bed in the morning with out being in my knees begging God that she would live.
It was all consuming.
I never for a minute stopped thinking and worrying about her.
Simultaneously feeling desperate and doubting and deeply knowing God would make all paths straight, even if it meant taking her from me in this life.
I have been through a laundry list of things.
Great pain, struggle, loss but I have never experienced such a desperate disposition.
I begged God for a healthy baby, unlimited.
I repented for praying for even that.
I begged for prayer.
That she would live.
That she would grow.
That she would thrive at in labor.
That she would be healthy.
That God would give me mercy in the event there was something more.
My prayers have been answered. She is very healthy in light of her diagnosis. No other indicators today of any health challenges.
There’s something more.
And I need his grace, mercy and provision more than ever.
I am not sorry.
I only have to look at her face to be I love with this little familiar stranger.
I cherish my dependence on God in this space.
I’m still broken over MY momma hopes and dreams, like any mother would, that she have a full unhindered, unlimited life.
Of which, she will never know the difference.
Meanwhile I’ll focus to experience what’s wonderful and lovely with her,
just as she is and just as she isn’t.
We learn what this looks like.
One day at a time, as we go.
We can’t thank you enough for continuing to lift us in prayer.
The Walker Family has a
little extra Eleanor to love.
𝟷𝟿 𝙱𝚎𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚍, 𝙸 𝚊𝚖 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊 𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐... 𝙸𝚜𝚊 𝟺𝟹:𝟷𝟿