𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚎?
Updated: Feb 6, 2019
For anyone reading this, I’ll say this so that we’re on the same page. I love God. This is not my first rodeo of feeling like I’m being put through a life-ringer, requiring me more faith than I have at the moment. I have a lot of experience that tells me it will land me somewhere deeper footed with Him.
I also want to say I know I’m not broken, in need of fixing. Not by comments or your encouragement. While I’m certainly held up by it in a great way but I don’t share this to gain empathy, or answers for what I’m struggling with. It’s not who I am. I’m sharing my process in part because it’s yours. I believe that we are all struggling with something. You only have to spend five minutes with a person to discover each of us carries a legit burden. If we listen to each other well, we can be confronted, encouraged, and inspired by stories of people we know and don’t know of overcoming hard things. Thats my hope for us. For me, my life is a filtered through a lens of faith. Until now, I have been less forward socially about that but internally and in close conversations its apparent. Over time I’ve felt less free to share it fully. Now I can’t do anything otherwise. How do you deal with situations like this apart from a God lens? I can’t and really I won’t. I’m imperfect, I’m clear about it and somewhat comfortable in it. I’ll think every wrong thing In a process, have a solid grapple and come to decent conclusion most of the time. Typically I prefer to do this in isolation but as it is I’ve started sharing my life in such a way that I feel a responsibility to be inclusive of the ugly along with filtered photos. *grin* It’s been maybe a decade of solid deliverance for me in my relationship knowing that God is entirely trustworthy. So entirely faithful. Mostly the experience of healing my broken marriage and personal past hurts. It feels like I’ve lived a stent of my life without fear in a way and without doubt. AND. In this process of wondering if God may take my baby from this life, and considering she maybe born unwell caused me a kind of flip flopped thinking that it made me feel downright crazy in the wall of my doubt. Over the years as I've faced trying times, this would certainly come to mind - God, where. are. You? are You EVEN there?
Why does it seem like you're out to lunch in my life?? Has it ever seemed in some way that God was showing up everywhere but where you needed him to? In the waiting it’s the worst. To back up, I think the first major smack of reality in my face was when my personal veneer cracked and I realized -- I was not ok. I was 28 and had come off one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I looked around at my seemingly spit-shined life and began to see it for what it was. Misery. I was miserable, and my coping mechanisms had begun to fail. I was suffering a personal emotional hell I had created, built on my own terrible behavior, unprocessed pain, co-dependency, relationship mayhem, primarily relative showing up in my marriage. I was living a limited life consumed with covering the truth about my internal struggle with addiction, my own and my husbands, my past mistakes that had created definition of who I thought I was. Beliefs of deep unworthiness. The truth that I couldn't feel a loving feeling for my husband if I wanted to, and I didn't. My willingness was completely busted. I was a workaholic.
I shopped out of control.
I decorated and redecorated my house.
I. ate. my. feelings. I had no other coping skills. My faith was underdeveloped to put it very lightly. I was stuck in shame cycle for my poor behavior. I was in the thick of a mess and had no idea what I was going to do to get myself out of it. It was all my own doing. It started a personal process for me with God that would be the most significant change in my thinking for the rest of my life. In counseling I began asking why. Why was I hurt? Why did my Dad relate to me the way he did and the way he didn't? Why was he dead? Why did I marry someone with "issues?" (note, I could see his issues clearly, of course) Why did I hurt myself with food? Why was it hard to be loved? Why was everything relational and emotional difficult for me? It went on and on. Though a tedious process I learned, God either causes it, or allows it. He is never out of control. Just to be clear, this didn't go well for me for a long while. Believing God was a struggle for me to begin with. Accepting that he was always in control, even when things were hard left me with more questions than I started with a lot of the time. I share this to say, it’s been over a decade of recovery and what feels like a million tiny miracles in process of learning Gods trustworthiness and love for me. In some ways I felt almost bulletproof in my faith and knowing Gods sovereignty. His supreme power and authority in my life.
Still, when we first began to learn of Eleanor’s physical deficits and possibilities of chromosome issues that could be causing it - it was there; God, where are you?
What are you doing with this, with her me, with me? I have a hard line on matters of life. When babies come, even against odds or in crummy circumstances, I rejoice. There’s something that feels almost superstitious, although it’s not, but I have this thing where I won’t speak poorly of babies as news of them come because they become - people. Their story has started and I’m some part of it. I never want to be in a conversation that someone would be better off not living. Those are not my matters of business. I find this easy when I’m on the receiving end of someone else's information. When it was my own news, my own womb, my own baby it was another thing all together. For me, someone who considers herself rather solidly knowing God, I vacillated between thoughts of knowing outright everything will be ultimately fine and flailing into disparity. It leaves you feeling so dissonant to yourself. It was so - confronting. It's still confronting as it comes and goes. In the big picture I know enough now to know this is exactly the kind of thing that grows my faith. A matter completely out of my hands, a problem so unsolvable, pain so big only God can make it right. I know enough to know I should be thankful for his refinement and guess what, in the middle of it and even now, I’m not interested in choosing it. I don’t want to be tested. I don’t want hard things for me and my daughter and our family. I can only be honest. I think every wrong thought. I looked for where I could have caused this. Was I selfish in wanting another baby when I had two healthy ones? Had I done something I was being made to pay for? I’ll start this piece of my story here and say more about it later - I had aborted a baby at a young age - was I paying for it now? I understand more of what Paul says, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Romans 7:15 ESV I want to have a life free of these thoughts. I’d rather stay in the space of feeling unstoppable in life. I hate that I doubt. I hate that in my humanness I entertain thoughts and try on truths that are counter to the very nature of God. He doesn’t punish. He is the author and perfecter of my faith. He will finish what he’s started, which is a good work in me. He makes my paths straight, even and especially my ugly human thinking. Today I’m less stuck. It’s much easier holding her knowing she’s healthy and alive today.
One day at a time I’m working to unwind my disbelief. I hope you can feel shared with, genuinely. In a way I’m asking you to ride along. Life is hard. Let’s be honest, no one is “great” at it. Even when it may look like someones got it all together there’s more going on behind the scenes. This is me behind the scenes. I share it, not that my burden is yours, but that maybe you could relate and search youself for stones unturned in your own experience that could be sifted, leaving you inspired for hope for yourself.